#2

So, it’s been a while since the last stream of conscience I did. Thought I’d do another one. My cat died. While I was gone. Away. At EyeCon – Supernatural convention. Didn’t know about it until Monday – the next day. It still doesn’t seem totally real. Kind of like when Sky, my horse, died and my parents called and told me about it. I was in South Korea at the time, far away from home. Afterwards, I kept thinking that I had dreamt it. That it wasn’t real. I was hesitant to say anything, mention it, but I knew that it was true. That’s kind of how it is now, except my parents are here. I am home. No one’s going to read something I post and go “Are you crazy? Neko’s still alive. Why are you posting that stuff?” I know it’s true, but it seems like he just hasn’t come back inside yet. Y’know, since he was an indoor/outdoor cat. I want to get another cat. I’ve been wanting to get a cat that I could take with me to D.C. when I move. My dad has been irrevocably against it. I saw on the news last night that SPCA brought animals back from Texas because of Ike. That means that there are a lot of cats and dogs waiting to be adopted. Is it bad of me to want a cat? I can’t ask my parents, though I kind of mentioned the whole SPCA has lots of animals now to my mom. Does this make me seem insincere in my grief? I was wondering what my mom thought about me and my grief towards Neko’s death. She told me as I was coming back into the house from quickly feeding the horse so I could go to Erin’s house to watch Heroes with her. I cried, but not for very long and then I got myself under control and it was like nothing had happened. I left for Erin’s like I was planning and Mom didn’t see me again until after I came back. She hasn’t seen me cry or show any sort of grief since. Not that I didn’t. I cried while on my way to Erin’s – intermittently. Wasn’t the smartest thing to do, I suppose, but I didn’t want to stop in the area I was at to cry. So I just got myself under control and that was that. I haven’t cried since. I don’t really cry. I don’t really react to death as expected. Well, maybe I do, I don’t know. What is expected? I do cry, but briefly. It was the same for Sky. After that, I might not’ve been ‘alright’, but I wasn’t sad and depressed and unable to function or anything like that. Well, sad when I thought of her or when I think of Neko. I really started crying Monday night when I was thinking about how ironic it was – that he died by apparently being hit by a car and it was him being hit by a car when he was a kitten that made us stop for him and is how we ended up keeping him. It was like full circle. That’s when I lost it for a minute and was driving through tears and sobs as I tried to stop crying. But it didn’t last long – only a couple of minutes. And then it was over. And though I was feeling sad, I didn’t feel the urge, the need to cry about it. I’ve always felt like I am too unattached to things, people, animals. One of my big fears is that one of my parents is going to die and I’m barely going to cry. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love them. I love them fiercely and am very attached to them. But I feel like that doesn’t matter. I feel like my moments of sadness, of grief are fleeting and then they’re over and that’s that. Like I can’t properly express my grief. It makes me think of the Barenaked Ladies’ song where he says that he laughs at funerals. When I first heard that, I instantly felt like the persona who was speaking was me, or like me in that kind of way. I go for laughter, for anything. I don’t do well with crying, with sadness. With expressing myself. I don’t want other people to cheapen my grief with their thoughts of what amount of grief I have (or lack.) And I know that I shouldn’t care about other people, but I do. There’s no helping it. Well, maybe there is, but I haven’t been able to yet. I don’t want my mom to think less of me or differently of me because I cried a little and then I seemed like I was okay. Like I was over it. Because I wasn’t. I cried as I unlocked the gate to leave the house. I wasn’t over it. I just don’t like showing people my crying. My sadness. My anything. It’s just a smile. I’m afraid of getting attached. I know this. I’ve known this. I just don’t know what to do about it.